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January 11, 2006January 11, 2006

Albert Hofmann Turns 100

Albert Hofmann is not Matt Hoffman’s father. He’s not into BMX racing, but rather another 3-letter acronym, LSD. Albert Hofman is the creator of LSD, and today, he turned 100 years old.



Picture yourself in a boat on a river,

With tangerine trees and marmalade skies

Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,

Towering over your head.

Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes,

And sheâ€™s gone.

Lucy in the sky with diamonds.

Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain

Where rocking horse people eat marshmellow pies,

Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers,

That grow so incredibly high.

Newspaper taxis appear on the shore,

Waiting to take you away.

Climb in the back with your head in the clouds,

And youâ€™re gone.

Lucy in the sky with diamonds,

Picture yourself on a train in a station,

With plasticine porters with looking glass ties,

Suddenly someone is there at the turnstyle,

The girl with the kaleidoscope eyes.

While a young Swiss chemist, he discovered LSD in 1938 while studying fungi at what is now known as Novartis Pharmaceuticals. (In an obviously PC direct move, Novartis declined to comment on Hofmann or LSD.)

What’s great about this guy – other than the medicinal value of his 1938 discovery – is that he still researches, still speaks, and still tries to get U.S. and other countries laws changed in order for LSD to be legalized once again, as it was before 1966.

Even more impressive than being 100 years young today (and a very happy birthday to him), he’s still married to his wife of 70 years. Seventy years, my god.

While I don’t doubt that any drug can be abused in a recreational environment, I do believe that all illegal drugs (especially ecstacy and LSD) do have legitimate medicinal value, either for PTSD or Schitzophrenia. While in college, I did spend time with many people who were on LSD while I drank a few beers. Every single time they were perfectly happy, perfectly content, and completely non-violent. Only one time did I ever witness a “bad trip” that someone had. (A girl from my dorm in 1994 had ran outside in the middle of the night, started screaming that she was being raped. Naturally, we all ran out to find her outside by herself, fighting off invisible rapists. Needless to say, she was taken away in a straight jacket, and I hope she learned to take a break from LSD for a while.)

Click on this CNN article for more information on Mr. Hofmann, and his current plans.

January 9, 2006January 23, 2006

Coworker Nicknames

We had nicknames for everyone back in the college days. Of couse, this was college, so it was common for people to have nicknames. These nicknames were usually either a shortened or otherwise goof on their unpronouncable ethinc name, or perhaps a take on something they did once where the name just “fit”. We had some decent ones, usually derived after a few pints of beer.

Of course, we had some doozys; Apatz, Zer, B-Dog, Dank, Crackhouse, and so on. There was one guy in particular that had a bunch of nicknames that started off simple and honest, and eventually turned into something very different. His name was Dan Schultz. In the beginning, we called him “Schlutz”, because that was indeed his last name. After a while and some beer, it became “Schlitz”. After that, and undoubtedly more beer, “Schlitz” became “Schlootzy” or some variant of that. One day, arguably after more pints then a human should consume, me and my friend Zuti decided that his new name was “Shit Face”. Not because we didn’t like Dan, not at all. We loved the kid, but we laughed our asses off because the names had gotten progressively worse and less and less like his real name, that “Shit Face” was the absolute antithesis of “Schlutz”, and that’s why it was funny.

At my day job, I try and have fun because if you can’t laugh, then all is lost. There’s a certain degree of fun you need to have at work; it can’t be all work. So, a bunch of us collectively have names for some coworkers. Not everyone, but some who are friends and some people who are not friends but whos nicknames scream right out at you. 🙂 And they are…

The Riddler
The Riddler’s Assistant
The Pumpologist
Little Riddler
Future
Mr. Magoo
The Nutty Professor
The Dragon
Snowflake
Pig Face
Gumby
Montell
Father & Son

The best part about all these names is when I offer to order and pickup lunch for everyone. I get to fax the order to the restuarant, and I put nicknames instead of their real name next to each entree, so the people at the restaurant get a good kick out of writing “The Riddler” on a container of chicken parmesian. 🙂

January 1, 2006January 22, 2006

Welcome 2006AD

First and foremost, a happy and healthy new year to everyone in the U.S. and around the world. My friend Jon from college is in Australia right now, and he was first (of the people I knew) to usher in the new year about 12 hours before me. Gotta love those Australians…great beer, nice cars (Holden), and amazing country both politcally and geographically.

I was never a big celebrator of the New Year, and by that I mean I was never one to go out partying like it’s 1999. However, it is a time to refresh and regroup, to look at the past and celebrate achievements & obstacles overcome, and to remember friendships and good family, finally then to focus on the next year’s goals.

I was watching ABC’s show from Times Square in NYC, formally hosted by the infamous Dick Clark, star of The Pyramid and many other shows. He had a stroke last year, and this year was his return to hosting (well he co-hosted this year) the New Year’s Eve show. Sadly, one can easily see the damage from the stroke he had, but he was quite brave to get out there. It’s encouraging to see people who push through obstacles like that.

I did the whole NYC/Times Square thing once, being I live less then a 50-minute train ride from midtown Manhattan. Security was never as high as it is now, probably one reason I decline to go in there anymore. Even though I might enjoy a good strip search, something about a guy doing it with an itchy finger on an M-16 makes it slightly unsettling. 😉

I often like to think about the big picture. Life, our place in the universe and what it all means. Here we all are, 6 billion of us, celebrating our relative concept of Time, welcoming in a new “year”. Kind of funny when you think about it, as our concept of Time is a human thing, something for our brains to interpret.

What exactly is time? Ever get that feeling a specific day or week was going slow or fast, and other people agreed with you as they felt the same thing? If time is constant, those feelings shouldn’t even exist. 😉

Ah well, something to think about. Have a great new year!

December 9, 2005January 22, 2006

More Annoying Work Things

Sorry for all the slightly negative posts lately, but there’s just a lot of really big annoyances that are happening lately at the day job.

For one, and here is a biggy, the computer system. Let me explain:
The equipment we have in the office at each desk isn’t terrible; cheap Compaq Celeron boxes that adequately do the job, but have no fancy extras. Server-side, our intranet is an unorganized mess, making finding information pretty difficult. What’s worse is the archaeic legacy system we use to “telnet” into; the equipment is easily 30 years old, and frankly, can’t handle moderate to heavy loads too well. However, that is not the worst. The worst in fact, is a shared T1 that we have as our Internet connection. I believe it is shared with another relatively geographically close branch. Putting it in geek terms, the fastest you could pull something off the Internet – if no one else was in the building – would be about 80KB/sec. That’s 12 times slower then our slowest package from our local cable modem provider (Optimum Online), and 15 slower then my speed at my home connection using Verizon Fios. Now, picture 40 people sharing that T1.

When our MIS department pushes out Trend Micro AV signatures through the network, the circuit is maxed out, and basically doing anything except playing solitare is futile. Meanwhile, the phone still rings, people still are looking for products which, because of the system being slow, you can’t enter in the system for the ticket to print to the warehouse for the guys to pick.

Now, in regards to this slowdown, the employees are constantly blamed for poor performance because MIS claims people are on the Internet at non-work related sites, streaming video and audio, etc. From what I have seen, there are very few people doing this, and not take make mountains out of mole hills, you can fill up our shared T1 circuit relatively fast, even with all data passing through it being work related.

The Monday after Thanksgiving has now been deamed “Cyber Monday” but some trendsetter in the Economy world. This is the term for the Monday after the Thanksgiving weekend which, statistically, is the largest online shopping day of the year. Most companies, while they don’t generally approve of employees using the Internet during work time to go to non-work related sites, were going to “turn a blind eye” to people using the corporate network to do some shopping in the early AM, lunch times, and after work. Heck, some people at our company don’t have the luxury of having a computer at home. However, our company is different. Our company had specific meetings the week of Thanksgiving to explain to us that there is a zero-tolerance policy for innapropriate use of the Internet using company computers, including on-line shopping.

Here’s the next big issue; Benefits.
Every year, our benefits seem to get worse, yet we pay more. I guess that’s a fact of life, but our company likes to waste everyones’ time by telling us we should go to conference calls to let us know how our benefits will change. Generally speaking, these conference calls take 45-90 minutes, and at the end, you have to listen to people from across the country ask the presenters questions that were already answered in the conference call. I’m not sure why we can’t just have a one-page explanation about how bad we’re going to get fucked and how much it’s going to cost. I know healthcare sucks in this country, I work in the indsutry. I don’t need an hour’s talk and 45 Powerpoint slides on how Healthcare in the United States is a growing problem, and costs are skyrocketing, yada yada. Just tell me how much it’s increasing in price, and how much it’s decreasing in coverage. I’ll try and make a point of it not to get sick.

And here’s another; Smokers.
I dislike cigarette smoke, and next to excessive drinking, I think it’s one of the more harmful and disgusting habits a person can have. That being said, some of my friends at work smoke, and while I wish them the best with their cancer stick, I do have a problem with the quantity of cigarette breaks they take. Let me explain.

It’s my understanding that employees are allowed two, 15-minute breaks per day. For simplicity sake, let’s just call it “30 mins” per day in breaks. The average length of time that a person uses at my job to smoke a cigarette is 9 minutes. That should be 3 cigarette breaks, and then 3 minutes left over to think about how much time they just took off their life. However, at my job, people sometimes go out EVERY HOUR for a 10 minute break. In short, people who smoke are getting an extra 30 minutes a day (at least) in breaks that I don’t get, simply because I choose to be a non smoker because I value life. Management doesn’t do anything about it, and in the end, thats at least 2.5 hours per week that these people don’t work, but get paid for. I wonder how management would feel if I left at 5pm every night instead of 530? I bet you they’d can my ass in a few days. So, the decision I made, is I will be starting smoking in March when the weather gets nicer, so I can sit outside and take 7 or 8 extra breaks per day.

And the last topic/grip for today will be “obnoxious people at work”.
There’s a small handful of people at work, who of course will remain nameless, that think they’re a lot better then anyone else. In reality, they’re a bunch of losers. Bossy, arrogant people with little or no credentials, much less manners. The kind of people that don’t know how to speak to people, and will be nice to you in front of your face, but have nothing but bad things to say about you behind your back. My company has a few of these winners. It’s the kind of people that I love to hate. I made a decision the other day after one woman who I’ve had a problem with for a number of years was being a bit rude. I decided that I would just not say another word to her ever again. Not a hello, not a head nod. Nothing. I’m going to pretned that she doesn’t exist. That is how to beat those people – they are craving attention, and simply ignorning them – a little bit of passive resistance. These people are so aggressive and so arrogant that they don’t know how to deal with someone that simply would ignore them and it eats under their skin. I’ll let you know how it works out. 😉

November 26, 2005January 22, 2006

Theivery at Work

How many of you have caught people at work stealing items? Not stealing items from The Company, but stealing items from other employees. In the past, we had a small volume of subtle yet not irrelevant thefts; gloves, food, radio, and one time $300 in cash. However, the following story I believe takes the perverbial cake. Sit back, and listen to the tale of the Thief of All Thiefs, and we’ll call her MM.

The date is sometime in December of 2004. MM had worked for our company for about a year or so, functioning on-par with an average employee that has occupied her position. She wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she came to work ontime, didn’t complain, and generally did what she was supposed to do. She had a few annoying quirks, but no more than the average person, so she was your regular Jane Doe employee.

She claimed to have it rough. (From here on out, I’ll be using the word “claimed” as, based upon the ending of this story that you will shortly read, I do not know what is and isn’t true anymore.) She claimed to have an ill husband, and a teenager involved in a recent car wreck, sustaining debilitating injuries.

For Christmas 2004, our company “sponsored” a family in need of financial assisstance. That family was M&M’s. She received close to $1,000 in cash and an assorted array of gifts, donated by other employees.

A woman that M&M worked very close with at work – we’ll call her CA – often volunteered to help M&M out in many ways, some financially but usually help on the everyday things. For example, CA would often let M&M borrow her 2003 Nissan Pathfinder on a daily basis while at work, either to rest in, do her errands, and so forth.

Around May of 2005, M&M tendered her resignation, stating she would be leaving as of July 1st, 2005.

On July 1st, a Friday, our company threw her a going away party, and several employees – including CA – gave her expensive, personal gifts.

At the end of the work day on July 1st 2005, Claire left as she always did, at about 7pm. She took her car keys out, and went to her car. Except it was gone.

She was 100% positive that it was stolen.

In speaking to her, CA said that M&M asked her once what the best way to make a copy of a car key would be. The joke around the office from July through Thanksgiving was that “hey I got a Pathfinder for ya, but you gotta go to South Carolina to pick it up.” Jokes along those lines.

To make a long story short, on Thanksgiving Day, CA received a call from a detective with the South Carolina State PD. M&M had been pulled over for a minor traffic infraction, and she got pulled over in a 2003 Nissan Pathfinder matching the description & registration/plates of CA’s stolen Nissan Pathfinder.

M&M had either driven it herself, or had someone drive out of work on 7/1/05. Stupidly, she never changed the plates or sold the car for parts. She continued to drive it, thinking she was safe.

Among other charges include identity theft, identity fraud, and probably a host of “conspiracy to committ…” charges, as it looks like all theivery was premeditated. Unless she has a pleabargin, she probably faces double-digit prison years.

She has 3 small children, who, without a father in home, will most likely be seperated.

A family ruined by one person’s selfish acts, or alleged acts of despiration.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hopefully, I’ll have some better news to post here, but this little tale really hit a nerve as it’s someone the entire company trusted, and someone who a few people considered “family”.